Tag Archives: support for parents

Parenting Children’s Challenging Behaviour Newtownabbey

Duration: Every Tuesday for 6 weeks
Aim: To help parents understand and manage their children’s challenging behaviours

The Parenting Children’s Challenging Behaviour programme will:

  • Help parents understand children’s behaviours
  • Recognise the triggers to their child’s behaviour
  • Give practical tips on how to reinforce positive behaviour

The programme promotes the Authoritative Parenting style which research shows to be the most effective.

The programme is particularly suited to those parenting children aged 2-10 years old.

Belfast Walking on Eggshells

Non Violent Resistance Programme

Thanks to funding from Assets Recovery Community Scheme we are delighted to be offering this programme to mums and dads. 

Duration: Every Wednesday for 8 weeks
Aim: To provide parents with the skills to achieve a calmer and violent free home

Child to parent violence is an abuse of power through which the child or adolescent attempts to coerce, control or dominate others in the family.

The Parents Walking on Eggshells Programme uses the principles of Non Violent Resistance to help parents experiencing child to parent violence overcome their sense of helplessness, develop a support network, stop destructive behaviours inside the home and improve relationships between family members.

  • Overcome sense of helplessness
  • Develop a support network
  • Stop destructive behaviours
  • Improve family relationships

This programme is particularly suited to parents of children aged 8-16 years old.

Call 0808 8010 722 to register.

Freephone number is currently available Monday – Thursday 9:30 am – 3:30 pm and Friday 9:30 am – 12:30 pm. 

Delivery of this programme has been made possible thanks to funding from Assets Recovery Community Scheme.

Parenting Apart Antrim

Duration: Every Wednesday for 6 weeks

The Parenting Apart programme is aimed at parents who have separated, are separating, divorced or thinking of divorce.

The programme explores:

  • Emotional impact
  • Parenting roles
  • Changes in relationships
  • Legalities
  • Financial impact
  • Moving on

The programme will provide practical advice and guidance about what children need to know, and what parents can do to meet their children’s need. Although parents are immersed in their own difficulties, this programme can help parents focus on the child’s needs with the aim of minimising the impact of the separation.

To register call us on freephone 0808 8010 722.

This programme is being delivered as part of our Families Together Project, thanks to funding from the National Lottery Community Fund.

 

FULLY BOOKED Odyssey, Parenting Your Teen Belfast

Sound familiar? We can help!

The FREE Odyssey, Parenting Your Teen Programme will be running in Belfast from 2nd May 2019!

Duration: 8 week programme – every Thursday from the 2nd May for 2 hours each evening
Aim: To improve the parent/adolescent relationship

The teenage years can be notoriously challenging but this programme can help you navigate your way through the reality of parenting teenagers.

The programme covers a range of topics and promotes the Authoritative Parenting style, which has been proven to be most effective. Odyssey, Parenting Your Teen is an evidence based programme and has been found to improve outcomes for parents, children and the while family. 

Odyssey Parenting Your Teen Topics

Call us now on 0808 8010 722 to register.

Freephone number currently available Monday – Thursday 9:30 am – 3:30 pm and Friday 9:30 am – 12:30 pm. 

 

FULLY BOOKED Walking on Eggshells Belfast

Non Violent Resistance Programme

Due to funding stipulations for this programme is only available to women at this time. Men interested in this programme can contact our Helpline on 0808 8010 722 to be placed on a waiting list and contacted when the next suitable programme becomes available.

Duration: Every Thursday for 8 weeks
Aim: To provide parents with the skills to achieve a calmer and violent free home

Child to parent violence is an abuse of power through which the child or adolescent attempts to coerce, control or dominate others in the family.

The Parents Walking on Eggshells Programme uses the principles of Non Violent Resistance to help parents experiencing child to parent violence overcome their sense of helplessness, develop a support network, stop destructive behaviours inside the home and improve relationships between family members.

  • Overcome sense of helplessness
  • Develop a support network
  • Stop destructive behaviours
  • Improve family relationships

This programme is particularly suited to parents of children aged 8-16 years old.

Call 0808 8010 722 to register.

Freephone number is currently available Monday – Thursday 9:30 am – 3:30 pm and Friday 9:30 am – 12:30 pm. 

Odyssey, Parenting Your Teen Banbridge

Sound familiar? We can help!

The FREE Odyssey, Parenting Your Teen Programme will be running in Banbridge from 27th February 2019!

Duration: 8 week programme – every Wednesday from the 27th Feb for 2 hours each evening
Aim: To improve the parent/adolescent relationship

The teenage years can be notoriously challenging but this programme can help you navigate your way through the reality of parenting teenagers.

The programme covers a range of topics and promotes the Authoritative Parenting style, which has been proven to be most effective. Odyssey, Parenting Your Teen is an evidence based programme and has been found to improve outcomes for parents, children and the while family. 

Odyssey Parenting Your Teen Topics

Call us now on 0808 8010 722 to register. If you would prefer you can complete the Expression of Interest form at the bottom of the page. Completing this form does not secure you a place on the programme, you will need to complete a short registration over the phone. Once the team receive your details they will be in touch to complete your registration. Please note this can sometimes take a few days.

Sibling Rivalry – How much is too much?

Best friends one moment, mortal enemies the next. The relationship between children in families can be complicated at the best of times. Despite a parent’s wishes, it is very common for brothers and sisters to argue, fight and annoy each other.  Most of the time, parents know that these childish disputes will solve themselves and are perfectly normal.

But what if it seems like your children are constantly in conflict? Where is the line between “normal sibling rivalry” and cause of genuine concern? This article will help to explain the causes of sibling rivalry and give advice to parents about when to intervene.

Getting along, rather than getting upset

Almost all siblings will fight at some point. These can take the form of verbal, physical or psychological clashes.

A definition of sibling rivalry comes from Taylor EJ. Dorland’s Illustrated Medical Dictionary:

“Sibling rivalry is defined as competition between siblings for the love, affection, and attention of one or both parents or for other recognition or gain.’

The University of Michigan’s children’s health department lists some of the following causes of sibling rivalries:

     -   Attempts by children to define themselves as individuals
     -   Struggles over attention
     -   Boredom, hunger or tiredness
     -   Stress, both in themselves and in the family
     -   Mimicry of problem-solving by parent

Often more than one of these factors are at play at any one time. In addition to this, the family’s composition or dynamic may contribute to or lessen the likelihood of siblings coming into conflict with each other. Experts note for example that birth order can have an influence on sibling relationships. First born children more commonly take part in sibling rivalry, because they had a period where they were likely to the sole recipient of parental love and attention. A sibling is thus an “intruder” who changes the character of the family, often in a manner that is unsatisfactory for the child.

There tends to be more sibling rivalry between children of the same gender. The issue comes from the fact that researchers have found that siblings of the same gender tend to have closer relationships and more communication. This same high level of contact can cause friction. Girls are also slightly more likely to have a rivalry compared to boys.

Negative feelings about siblings can be magnified if there are physical changes. If a child is moved to another room, for example or when grandparents or if other relatives visit and they interact less with the older child. These events can cause a build-up of resentment, anger or fear that leads to sibling rivalry.

Sibling rivalry affects almost all families – one study suggested that it can occur as often as 8 times an hour. However, it has also been noted that it tends to be less intense in larger families than small ones. This is because in larger families, power (and parental attention) is more evenly distributed.

This means that in such large families, each individual may feel that they have a particular – and unique – role to play in the family. In a smaller family, the oldest might have more power (and responsibility), leading to the young children feeling it is “unfair” that they get to be “in charge”. Conversely, younger children may be seen to be more “babied” and “get away” with more than the oldest. However, there is a natural limit to the extent of these benefits, as large families may struggle with providing enough resources, and even where there these are sufficient, a mother can only read so many bedtime stories or a father attend so many football games in a single day. This can result in more fighting to get a share of limited parental attention.

What is important to remember is that even experts find it difficult to determine what the “true” cause of any given rivalry is. This is because there are too many other factors that can differ significantly between families, like economic situation, parental behaviour, the society they grow up in and school achievement. The impact these can have on children makes it difficult to determine what triggers quarrels.

Blended families – the issues of step-siblings

Another situation that is more likely to breed argument is a blended family. Families where step-siblings interact regularly can have rivalry for all of the same reasons as non-blended families. However, they have the added stresses of children not welcoming the “new” children into their families. Adding step-children can disrupt delicate balances of role and power in siblings, for example, and a child who is used to being the oldest and most responsible may suddenly have a brother or sister older than them. The child who is used to being closest to one parent may suddenly have steep competition from a new child.

There is no easy way to prevent these issues. Unlike you and your new partner, your children did not choose to include these new people in their lives. They may not have positive feelings, or see the new siblings as “real” family.

The Parental Stress Centre of Australia suggests taking a calm and measured approach to blending families. Having family meetings, explaining the new situation to all children in an age-appropriate way. Parents should aim to retain an authoritative parenting style, with clear rules and boundaries. They should be careful to provide each child with one-on-one time and regularly have family time if at all possible. Bonds may take some time to form, or may never form between step-siblings. However, parents can make clear that there are limits to acceptable arguments. This can limit stress in the household, and parents should listen to their children but maintain control. Children will look to parents to set out what is allowed and what is not.

What does sibling rivalry look like? What is “normal” behaviour, and what is abnormal?

While all conflict between their children is likely to be either annoying or concerning for parents, it is important to recognise when simple rivalry has become bullying or abuse. Firstly, if you have more than two children, and find that all of your other children consistently gang up against one of the others, this should be addressed.

It is common for some siblings, particularly in very large families, to have better or worse relationships with particular siblings. However, if you find that one of your children is always the target of mockery or physical conflict, it is important that you intervene. A study by the University of Warwick found that siblings that are bullied by their brother or sisters excessively are more likely to develop mental health problems as adults.

A number of warning signs can help a parent identify if competitiveness is getting too intense.

1.Do they show love as well as fight? If they are close sometimes, and fight at other times this is more suggestive of a normal relationship.

2.Is it escalating? Did your son slap his brother last week, and this week did his brother react with a higher level of violence? Children may struggle with overreaction and knowing what is proportionate. Parents should intervene if there seems to be a consistently rising level of conflict.

3.What are the causes of the fights? Can you reduce these without needing to get involved every time? Are they spending too much time physically close, or are they arguing over a particular toy? If it seems that there is no good cause, but the fighting always seems to get worse that may be a warning sign. They may therefore need more alone time or distractions.

4.Talk. This is the most common and useful tactic in a parent’s tool kit. It is tempting (and very understandable) to demand that all children “Stop fighting, I don’t want to hear who started it, you are all in trouble!”. However, if there is something more serious in play, doing this means you may miss out on important context. If there is a particularly serious incident, take the time to talk to all children involved, separately. You may wish to wait for the initial emotions to cool before doing this. Listen to what your children tell you, and use that to determine your next moves.

How do I stop it?

Regardless of the reasons for squabbles between siblings, most parents just want it to stop. Often coming at the worst possible moments – in public places, when parents are tired or at moments of high stress – a sudden and seemingly inexplicable argument is the last thing a parent needs. As such, it is often the first reaction of a parent to intervene and stop it.

Sometimes this is the right thing to do. For example, if you are somewhere you cannot leave easily and where a continued fight would be inappropriate or distracting. The doctor’s surgery, on public transport or a wedding are places where swift, decisive involvement from a parent is required. Parents should establish “ground rules”, and parent in an authoritative manner, where their children understand what is and is not acceptable. Having clear rules as well as consistent (and proportionate) consequences for breaking them can help avoid the most serious conflict. Apply these rules to all children as equally as you can, as having “one rule for me, another for my sister” is an attitude likely to lead to more conflict.

However, it is also the case that often parents should not get involved in putting a stop to a conflict. If it is relatively low-level and there is no suggestion of escalation, allow your children to sort it out themselves. Experts suggest that dealing these sorts of disputes help children to develop negotiation and problem-solving skills later in life. Your children should know that mum or dad is always there to help if things get too heated, but that they should try and resolve it themselves if they can.

In addition to direct intervention, another key way to reduce the amount of arguments is to ensure that the family atmosphere is calm. Children mimic parental problem solving strategies, so if they see you resolve conflict by yelling, getting physical or arguing, they will do the same. On the other hand, if they see you coolly deal with issues by talking, reasoning and cooperating, they will attempt to do that too.  Experts suggest that parents be careful in the way in which they deal with their own issues, as well as taking a balanced approach to dealing with children’s fights.

Younger children, particularly primary-school aged children have a strong sense of what they feel is “fair”, and react strongly when they feel treatment is “unfair”.  Parents should help their children understand that “fair” and “equal” are different. They should explain that sometimes one child needs more – attention, food or support for instance. This can reduce feelings of jealousy and subsequent arguments. Be sure to balance this extra attention with time spent with other children later if you can.

Finally, parents can encourage siblings to see themselves as part of a team, rather than as competitors. Give children compliments or guidance as a group – “you are both such great help to mum!” or “you are all playing so well today” as opposed to comparisons. This allows siblings to see each other as sources of help and support, rather than opposition. Make sure that your attention, love and interest is split well between your children. If a recent event – like an exam, or a play for example – has meant you spent a lot of time with one child, take care to give dedicated time to their siblings, one on one. Additionally, spend time as a family as often as you can, linking positive experiences to being “one team” can help foster positive relationships.

Conclusion

It is almost certain that siblings will argue and fight. It is annoying, but usually nothing to worry about if your children have disputes about toys, personal space or other little issues. In fact, these can be helpful learning experiences for them.

However, children rely on their parents to set the rules of engagement. You must set out what can and cannot be argued about, used in an argument or fought over. Parents must also pay attention to patterns of sibling rivalry and ensure that it is not escalating and intervene if needs be.

Need help? Call the parent's helpline on 0808 8010 722

How to help your child with their body image

Everyone, regardless of age or gender, has days when they don’t feel they look their best. Even models, actors and athletes can and have suffered with body image issues. For example, singer Lady Gaga noted that she had struggled with anorexia and bulimia in the past, and said in 2012:

“[I am] not conventionally beautiful. If there was some sort of mathematical equation for beauty, I don’t know if I would be the algorithm.”

While the stereotype suggests that women – in particular, young women worry most about their body image, this is an issue that affects men too. Actor Chris Pratt spoke in 2014 saying:

“I do know what it feels like to eat emotionally, and… to be sad and make yourself happy with food. And then to be almost immediately sad again and now ashamed and then to try to hide those feelings with more food.”

There is an extraordinary pressure on young people to “look right”.  A survey by Girlguiding UK found 25% of girls aged 7-10 felt the need to be “perfect”.

Parents recognise that their children are struggling with unrealistic standards and problems with their body images. In 2017, the NSPCC said that it had delivered more than 2,500 counselling sessions about negative body image issues across the UK. Worryingly, these issues also affected younger children, with more than 100 of those sessions being for girls aged 11 or younger.

This article will talk about what is meant by the term “Body Image”, identify where the pressures on children and young people are and what parents can do to help.

Body Image - A Definition

The term “Body image” was first defined by neurologist and psychoanalyst Paul Schilder in 1935. He described it as:

'The picture of our own body, which we form in our own mind, that is to say the way the body appears to ourselves’

Body image isn’t necessarily about how we actually are –it might have nothing to do with reflect actual things like weight or height. It is based on their own ideas about hard to define things like descriptions like “attractiveness” or “coolness” which vary greatly from person to person. Everyone has a different body image, academics suggest that being able to evaluate your body means you need to be able to do two things:

     -  Assess yourself – to determine what you look like and how you might change
     -  Have something or someone to compare yourself to

Thus, a child or young person (or an adult, for that matter) has a body image that is connected to the place and society they grow up and live in. The standards to which they compare themselves change from place to place and from time to time. Body image is not fixed, and often change as they age. Women, in particular can face body image issues as they grow older, Ferraro et al. (2008) noted that “older women evidence greater concerns regarding body shape than do older men”. It is therefore clearly important to develop a healthy and realistic body image as early as possible.

However, studies suggest that puberty is the crunch point for both boys and girls. While girls often develop body image issues earlier than boys, teenage years offer a unique mix of challenges. Firstly, hormonal and growth changes begin to happen with puberty. Secondly, romantic relationships become a more regular feature of day to day life, making “looking good” a more urgent need.

Body image is always going to be based on a person’s own ideas about what looks good, and how they want to look. This is the reason that many people who could be considered very attractive or physically fit may struggle with body issues.

While this obviously presents some challenges for parents seeking to improve their child’s body image, in some ways this can be a comfort too. Because any child or young person can have good body image, regardless of height, weight or other physical characteristics.

What are the Pressures?

Before we can suggest what is having a negative impact on young people’s body image, we need to consider the major factors that help them form it.

Academics found that children begin to develop body image awareness from as early as 3 months. At this age, an infant will look longer at an image of their own legs taken from an observer’s perspective than their own point of view. This suggests that the view of “another” holds more interest than their own. However, the idea that “beauty is good” and general comparisons begin at around 3-4 years old. Around this time, children begin to desire to look “good”, and to have a general idea of what that might mean.

Definitions of what “good” is, in terms of attractiveness obviously vary. However, a significant source of ideals about what is or is not attractive comes from popular media. Children watch or view around 40,000 adverts per year and many of these either subtly or explicitly contain images meant to be seen as “attractive” or “not attractive”. The media that a child observes plays a significant role in their own development of positive or unhealthy body images.

It is important to remember that while there are general factors that help to determine body image, what is considered “beautiful” can be totally different from one group to the next. Studies found that for people with equal levels of unhappiness with their bodies, men and women who prioritise their physical appearance will experience more frequent and intense body-image issues. Thus, if your child or young person highly values their physical appearance, they will likely struggle more with body image issues. It is important that body image is supported by a lot of other roles, achievements and ideas that help to form your young person’s self-identity.

Family and social interactions can affect body image in three ways:

     -  Perceptions of family relations
     -  The behaviour and attitudes of mothers (particularly for women)
     -  Direct communication

This means that the way in which your family behaves (in terms of warmth, levels of conflict etc.) can impact both positively and negatively on your child’s body image.

Your own actions as parents can also be a significant factor in your child’s body image. Research suggests that girls whose mothers were critical of their eating habits or appearance were more likely to have body image issues.  On the other hand, giving your children sincere compliments can help to build a good body image. The Irish Nutrition and Dietetic Institute notes that it can help to talk about what bodies can do, and how to stay healthy rather than a narrow focus on weight or beauty.

Outside of the home, there are a number of societal stressors on body image. A report by the All Party Parliamentary Group on Body Image found that the most important societal influences on body image were the media (43.5%), advertising (16.8%) and celebrity culture (12.5%). Peers, parents and specific sectors such as the fashion industry were also identified.

Social media, which ties into both the media and peer groups is also a significant factor in body image development. The fact that pictures and images can be measured against each other via “likes”, “comments” and other interactions value “beauty” in a way unlike pre-social media circumstances. Children can now directly compare how popular their images are to their friends, and the fickle and imperfect nature of such a comparison can lead to difficulties in having realistic views about their own body image. A poll by Royal Society for Public Health (2017) found that social media may be fuelling a mental health crisis. In particular, the social media platforms “Instagram” and “Snapchat” was singled out as particularly damaging to young people.

What can parents do about it?

There are immense pressures on young people that can negatively impact their own body image. So, what can parents do to help? Gail Saltz, the editor of the Child Mind Institute notes that there are two important aspects of body image parents should help their child with.

“They need to feel okay about how they look, and not let their looks dominate their sense of self-worth.”

She gives a number of steps that parents can make use of to help promote a healthy body image. Some of these are:

1.  Sympathise with their concerns and validate the pressures they feel.

2.  Be positive about your own body, or at least not obviously negative.

3.  Both parents should be involved in promoting body image if possible – fathers play a             particular role in supporting positive body image in girls.

Another important aspect is communication. Talking to your children – even relatively young children about issues around body image, in an age appropriate way can help. Family Lives (England) suggests that parents have a relaxed conversation with their young people to find out their thoughts, concerns and insecurities about their own bodies. It is important for young people to know that their parents care about how they feel. Even if you strongly disagree with their views or think their concerns are unreasonable, parents should be careful not to invalidate their young person’s feelings. If they want to change the way they look, support them to do so in a realistic and healthy manner. This might mean exercise or healthier diets, and may help to steer young people away from unhealthy habits later.

Stanford Children’s Health suggests that parents and young people should eat together. This can help to promote healthy eating and body image. Additionally, parents should take the time to praise and instil confidence in their children. Being active in other areas – such as clubs, sports or hobbies – where your young person can excel is a good way to ensure that their body image is not so central to their identity. This reduces the likelihood of obsession with body image, and subsequent negative behaviours.

The best way to understand why body image can be so important for young people is to explore how they define themselves. If a very significant part of who they see themselves as relates to how they look – their hair colour, their weight or how attractive they feel they are – then any negative comments or experiences relating to that will naturally have a massive impact. In order to have a strong self-image, parents should encourage young people to recognize strengths and the feelings of confidence they build, especially in times of doubt.

Every parent and child is different. Even the most confident, happy and healthy families may struggle with body image issues. Parents should be aware of warning signs that body image issues may be occurring – such as deep concern about appearance, unusual eating habits – and seek help if needed. If you, or someone close to you is in need of support you can phone the Parenting NI helpline for free on 0808 8010 722.

Contact Parenting NI

You can give us a call for free on 0808 8010 722

Your Young Person’s Sexuality/Gender Identity A Parent’s Guide

Sexuality has always been a complicated and difficult subject for parents and young people to discuss. A complex combination of social norms, values, biology and traditions combine into a perfect storm of confusion and potential for conflict.

Despite this, while parents and young people may have different ideas about what is or is not morally acceptable, parents generally would want their child to feel that they can be themselves around them.

When a young person talks to their parents about an element of their sexual identity (or they learn about it from another source) it can be difficult. Parents will often want to be supportive, but may struggle to understand some of the terms or realities of what they are being told.

There is clear evidence that many Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT) people do not feel comfortable about being open about who they are with family members. In the 2018 National LGBT survey, 23.8% of all LGBT people were open with none of the family members they lived with. Katz-Wise et. Al (2016) found that “one-third of youth experience parental acceptance, another third experience parental rejection, and the remaining third do not disclose their sexual orientation even by their late teenage years and early twenties”.

Many teens fear the reaction of their parents if or when they disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity. When recalling negative incidents, the National LGBT survey (2018) found that the most often named instigator was a parent or guardian. While the vast majority of parents want their children to be happy and safe, there is stress on both sides of this difficult conversation. This stress, if not appropriately managed can have negative consequences.

How you react will have an impact on the outcomes for your child. LGBT young people statistically have worse mental health outcomes – a report in 2014 found that “more than half of young gay people have suffered mental health issues, and 40 per cent have considered suicide” (Merrill, 2014). However, a parents support and love can help to mitigate these. Shilo & Savaya (2011) found that family support had a significant impact on the mental health and wellbeing of LGBT young people.

Additionally, it is important that a young person feels able to tell you about their sexual orientation. Rothman et al. (2012) found that having disclosed one’s sexual orientation was “associated with higher levels of the health risk behaviours and conditions”. Simply put, children are likely to have better outcomes if they feel comfortable telling their parents about their sexual orientation.

How to react

So, what should parents do when their young person opens up to them that they are not heterosexual (solely attracted to the opposite gender) or cisgender (that they identify as the same gender on their birth certificate)?

Most importantly we would encourage parents to not panic.

While parents may have suspected that this was the case, a confirmation can be shocking or difficult to initially process. It is common for parents to feel negative feelings – Baiocco et al. (2014) – suggested that parents are often concerned about what other people, friends and relatives could think about their sons and daughters sexuality, the judgment of other people, maybe even about their own parental skills.

Tobkes & Davidson (2016) describe the three feelings of “loss” that a parent who has learnt of their child’s LGBT sexual orientation may feel:

    Loss of a “traditional” life

    Loss of a safe and easy life

    Loss of a child

The final of these losses is often the cause of such extreme actions as telling a child that he or she is “no longer part of the family”. While feelings of loss or sadness are understandable, the long-term impact of a severe reaction such as this are highly damaging and difficult to overcome. Potoczniak et al (2009) found that the outcomes from a negative reaction were sometimes very serious with 3% of those who “came out” becoming totally estranged from family and that disclosure in 4% of maternal relationships and 9% of paternal relationships either “totally destroyed or worsened an already bad relationship”.

Even if you are highly upset or shocked by your child’s revelation, take care that any reaction you have does not have a lasting negative impact on your relationship.

It is understandable that parents may feel loss, however it is important to remember that nothing has actually been lost. While this may have been an aspect of your child that parents were unaware of previously, they are still the same person. Even if you considered yourself to be accepting of LGBT individuals, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLAG), a charitable organisation dedicated to supporting LGBT individual’s families notes in their guide for parents that:

“Many parents who believe that they are totally accepting of lesbian, gay or bisexual people, and who don’t consider themselves prejudiced or judgemental are likely to find themselves, if only temporarily, knocked off balance by an announcement that they have a lesbian, gay or bisexual daughter or son”

Parents should remain mindful of the important role their support plays in their child’s self-worth and identity. Willoughby et al. (2008) notes:

“Individuals’ perceptions of themselves are, in part, based on the ways they perceive their parents to view them. Thus, insofar as individuals feel rejected by their loved ones, they may be likely to see themselves as unlovable and unworthy”

You may need some time and space to process this news. That is normal, try to work through your feelings either not in the presence of your child or in such a manner that it does not make them feel it is their “fault”. Stonewall (2018) advises parents that regardless of their own feelings about “being gay”, “you love them and want them to be happy. The fact that they are gay or lesbian doesn’t change that”.

Communication and Terms

An important aspect of responding to your child “coming out”, is to listen. It is possible that you may have preconceived ideas of what certain terms mean, but sexual orientation is an individual experience. An additional challenge for parents is that the terms used to describe sexual orientation and gender identity are constantly changing. While many parents will be familiar with “gay” or “homosexual”, the more modern concepts can seem baffling.

The person best placed to tell you what this disclosure means for your child, is your child. However, it may also be helpful to familiarise yourself with very common terms. The acronym most commonly used is LGBTQIA+. These terms as defined by the Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, and Transgender Resource Center of Michigan State University are:

Lesbian – Term used to describe women who are exclusively or primarily attracted to other women in a romantic, erotic, and/or emotional sense. Not all women who engage in “homosexual behaviour” identify as lesbians, and as such this label should be used with caution

Gay – Used in some cultural settings to represent men who are exclusively or primarily attracted to other men in a romantic, erotic and/or emotional sense. Not all men who engage in “homosexual behaviour” identify as gay, and as such this label should be used with caution. Also a general term for gay men and lesbians.

Bisexual – A person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction to people of their own gender as well as other genders, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree

Transgender – A person who identifies with a gender other than that the gender they were assigned at birth. Sexual orientation varies and is not dependent on gender identity.

Queer/Questioning – An umbrella term which includes lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, trans* people, intersex persons, radical sex communities, and many other sexually transgressive communities. This term is sometimes used as a sexual orientation label or gender identity label used to denote a non-heterosexual or cisgender identity without having to define specifics. A reclaimed word that was formerly used solely as a slur but that has been reclaimed by some folks in the LGBTQ community. Nevertheless, a sizable percentage of people to whom this term might apply still hold “queer‟ to be a hateful insult, and its use by heterosexual people is often considered offensive.

Intersex – Individual(s) born with the condition of having physical sex markers (genitals, hormones, gonads, or chromosomes) that are neither clearly male nor female. Intersex people are sometimes defined as having “ambiguous” genitalia.

Asexual – Person who does not experience sexual attraction. They may or may not experience emotional, physical, and/or romantic attraction. Asexuality differs from celibacy in that it is a sexual orientation, not a choice

The “+” symbol is an acknowledgement that these terms do not necessarily cover the entire spectrum of human sexuality. It simply leaves the process open to further development.

Stonewall (2018), a UK-based LGBT rights charity suggests that when a young person “comes out” to a parent they should allow the child to say their piece before asking questions. This can show them that you are a safe and understanding person to talk to about their sexuality or gender identity. This is important because just like if they were heterosexual, if your child feels unsafe talking to you about sexuality or gender identity it can lead to serious omissions. They may take more risks, or fail to alert you if they are harassed or sexually assaulted.

What about if you suspect that your child or young person is LGBT, but they have not yet spoken to you? Relate (2018) notes that it is not helpful to pressure them to “come out” before they are ready. Instead, you should take steps to ensure that your home is a supportive place for them if they are LGBT. For example, making positive comments about LGBT individuals and refusing to tolerate homophobic or transphobic language. Your child will tell you when they are ready, and you should be there for them when it is time.

Transgender children

For children or young people who are transgender, there are some important differences. First of all, it is important to understand that very young children (for example, under 5s) often show interest in toys or clothes that are not usually associated with their gender (NHS, 2018). Therefore, as with LGB children, parents should not try to second guess if they suspect their child may be transgender.

As with LGB children, parents should start by listening. Your child may choose to explore medical options as part of their identity. However, they may not. They may choose to “present” as one gender all of the time, or it may depend on the day. Action for Children (2018) notes that Adults should make every effort to address the child in the way they have requested. Your child’s gender identity can be confusing for them and for their parents, but a negative or hostile reaction is unlikely to have any positive outcomes.

Depending on your child’s age and desires, the next steps vary. Mermaids UK (2018), a support organisation for transgender people notes that medical transition in young people usually consists of taking hormone blockers after the initial stages of puberty which are completely reversible and simply pause puberty. While it is important to communicate with your child regarding what happens next, the focus should be on your initial reaction. Your child should know that you still love them unconditionally, and that you will support them.

Conclusion

There is no “right” way to deal with the fact that your child may be LGBT. Every family, and every individual is different and has different support requirements. If you suspect that your child may be LGBT, but they have not yet confided in you, seek out information to prepare yourself. If your child has recently informed you, remain calm and reassure them that you love them regardless of circumstances.

There are a number of excellent recourses locally to support LGBT young people and their parents. Parenting NI’s helpline (0808 8010 722) can provide advice and support for anyone in a parenting role. Additionally, groups like Cara-friend, SAIL and The Rainbow Project can offer specialist LGBT support.

Call the Helpline at 0808 8010 722

Connected Children: How Young is “Too Young” for a Smartphone?

Smartphones are the unavoidable icon of modern life...


The pace with which smartphones have become established is remarkable, they are now as integrated into modern culture as cars or computers. Today around 30% of Children aged 9 own a smart phone, rising to more than 90% by the age of 16 (Mascheroni & Ólafsson, 2015). In the UK, 1 in 8 children have a mobile by the age of 8 (Aviva, 2017). 

While there are a range of benefits to children using technology, there are also a number of undeniable risks. “What age should I give my child a phone?” is a common question we hear from parents. It can be difficult to strike the balance between keeping children safe and socially isolating them.

This Parent's Guide article will examine the statistics and weigh up the pros and cons for parents and children.

Impact of Smartphones on...

Young Children

There is no strict rule as to when children are “ready” for smart phones. Research has noted children of less than 30 months old cannot learn from videos in the same way as real-life. Therefore, one of the most significant positive factors of using technology does not apply to them. 

What age do the benefits (or negatives) of technology begin to impact on children?

It is difficult to be clear about the possible benefits and opportunities of internet usage for young children. Some research will suggest that owning a mobile device will increase readiness for schools. Educational apps and games can help with development of skills that might otherwise be difficult for parents.

On the other hand, there are many reports suggest "too much tech" from a young age negatively impacts on children.  This year, The Guardian reported that children were struggling to hold pencils properly because they had been playing with phones or tablets. In addition, a  University of Toronto report found that “infants with more handheld screen time have an increased risk of an expressive speech delay” (Birken, 2017). They found that every 30 minute increase in the daily use of handheld screens in very young children translated into a 49% increased risk of speech delay.

Another risk related concern is very young people being able to connect with a wide range of individuals. Use of communication apps can leave them vulnerable to grooming. Less obvious, are potential dangers from interactions which are secondary to the purpose of the app. This was seen in 2017 when YouTube reporting function on children's videos had not been working properly.

It is difficult to argue that young children benefit greatly from ownership of a smartphone. While there are certainly some advantages to making judicious usage of educational apps, excessive or unrestricted access is highly detrimental.

However, that's not to say you can't occasionally let your young children watch a YouTube video or Skype with relatives!

Primary Age Children

Around 68% of parents think children should be at least 9 before they get their first phone, and around a third suggesting 12 as a minimum age. Equally, most parents will feel that it is appropriate for teenagers to have access. 

Research tells us that 11 is when most children get their first phone. However, sites which children may want to access on their phone, such as Instagram and Snapchat, require you to be at least 13. Children younger than this could be exposed to content they are not ready for.

Another risk associated with primary aged children having a smartphone, is the the chance of them experiencing cyber-bullying. Research says that younger children would be more likely to report being the victim of physical bullying. Whereas, older pupils would be more likely to report experiencing more types of cyber-bullying. Not having a phone is by no means a guarantee of protection from online-bullying, but the link is significant.

What are the benefits?

Safety is a benefit parents will often think of when it comes to their child owning a phone. It is good to be able to contact your child as they start independent activities, like after school clubs or going out with friends. Access to the internet and services like Google Maps could assist if the child is lost, or unsure of where to ask for help.

Skills children develop by using technology, including smart phones, is increasingly important in later life. A report for the Department of Education in England noted that building digital skills were “an essential contemporary skill set”. Depriving a child of this may also inadvertently disadvantage them.

Additionally, there is the social aspect to having a phone. All parents are familiar with the cry that “everyone else in class has one”. However, statistics suggest that children may not be exaggerating in this regard. The Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne Australia released a report in 2017  stating that “Young children owning smartphones is the new normal”. Numbers for the UK broadly align with this. In effect, when deciding when a child should first receive a phone a parent is making a difficult choice that affects not just their safety or education development, but also their social status.

Teenagers and Young Adults

Most teenagers will have a smartphone. They are also extremely avid consumers of online content via their phones. Over a third of young people claiming to be online more than 6 hours a day on weekends and almost a quarter spending this amount of time on week days. UK usage in both cases is above the OECD average, meaning that parents in the UK face a greater challenge than parents of the rest of the world. 

However, the benefits of phone usage can increase with age. Particularly as a young person becomes increasingly independent. With likely access to their own money,  particularly for over 16's, there are less levels of potential parental control. 

Despite the benefits, which the guide has explored, there are concerns around teens phone use too... 

41% of parents said that they find it difficult to control their child’s screen time. 

A report looking at over a thousand teens in Australia found that poor-quality sleep associated with late-night texting or calling was linked to a decline in mental health. The reasons given for such use, particularly late at night, were a “fear of missing out” on content. The reasons for this vary for boys and girls. Many girls noted major US-based social media influencers whose content they consume, means the time differences account for the "need" to be awake and active online at night. On the other hand, boys note that major video game content creators are based in East Asia, again complicating sleep.  Poor sleep, coupled with potential cyber-bullying can have negative effects on teenagers. When they are put into stressful or difficult circumstances without the defence of being well-rested, it is easy to see how it can impact physical and mental health.

Gaming and Sexting

Gaming on phones is something all children can take part in, but it is particularly popular with teenagers. Around 70% of teens play video games, and 84% of teenage boys do. As explored in a previous blog, online gaming comes with its own pros and cons.  It is important to consider gaming when it comes to teenagers smartphone usage. The most popular phone games can have millions of users worldwide, and some argue that they are highly addictive. Regulations are also more lax than more traditional gaming consoles or PCs.

There is also the concern of young people both creating and viewing sexualised content. A JAMA Paediatrics report found that almost 1 in 5 young people had either sent or received sexual content of themselves. As many as 12% admitted to forwarding such an image without the consent of the individual. This suggests not only that sending of this content is common, but there may be negative social pressures on teenagers to engage in it. 

There are serious issues regarding this. Not least moral and ethical, there is also a real danger of legality if the content is of an underage individual. While conversations regarding this content are extremely difficult for parents – but it is equally vital.

Many of the concerns regarding younger children do not necessarily disappear at teenage years, and it can be argued that the concerns of when to expose children to smart phones becomes increasingly complicated.

In Conclusion...

It is undeniable that smartphones are here to stay, at least for the foreseeable future. You know your child best, and therefore will be in the best position to decide what they access and when. Technology and children's usage of it is a concern for many parents, but it's important to remember that you are not alone in struggling with this subject. Parenting NI is here, for a listening ear and support with not only this but any parenting related issue.  

Contact Parenting NI

You can give us a call on 0808 8010 722

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