Tag Archives: Coronavirus

Childcare and the Pandemic

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Finding and being satisfied with your chosen childcare is complicated under any circumstances. During the pandemic, when almost all providers have been forced to close and children told to stay at home the situation has become even more difficult. As a parent, you have already delicately balanced affordability with good-quality care for your child. Most parents are happy with their childcare provider and were measured and careful in picking what was most appropriate to suit their needs and the needs of their child(ren) in the first place. However, financial and other pressures will have meant that they may need to have uncomfortable conversations with providers. 

This article will attempt to give you some ideas and support if and when you need to have this conversation with your childminder/childcare provider. Our friends at Employers For Childcare have also contributed to this advice. We would strongly recommend reading their articles on financial support measures for childcare providers/childminders to better understand the circumstances. These are regularly updated, and provide a useful source of information for parents and providers. 

Difficult conversations

Legally, you may have signed a contract. While the pandemic has created a unique set of circumstances it does not necessarily mean that you are released from the clauses of this contract. You may still be asked to pay a retainer fee if you wish to keep your childminding/childcare place. You can find further help and support on the Family Support NI website. In particular, the article COVID-19 Childcare Options and Associated Guidance. 

When having difficult conversations, it is important to remember to remain calm. The first thing is to have a plan for what you want to say, and how to say it. In this case, decide before contacting your childminder/childcare provider what you think is a reasonable and balanced solution to the issue. Remember that difficult circumstances are by definition, difficult. There is no magic bullet response that can resolve this and keeping a realistic goal of just improving the situation is important. 

Would you be happy to pay a percentage of your normal fee to maintain your child’s place? Are you able to pay or are you unable to pay at all? If you have a solution in mind it will be easier for you to communicate your concerns and come to a reasonable solution. 

Be understanding about circumstances

Secondly, remember to be empathetic. These are highly challenging times and it is understandable that many parents are finding it difficult to deal with the additional pressures. Home schooling, working from home and financial changes related to furloughing or having hours reduced will have an impact on your ability to cope easily with stress. When you arrange to speak to your childcare provider, remember that they are often facing exactly the same pressures.  

They are worried about keeping staff employed, staying safe and keeping their business from going under so that when we come out the other side of this pandemic there will still be childcare available to enable all to return to work. Additionally, you are unlikely to be the only parent who has contacted them about this. Try to put yourself in the place of your childminder/childcare provider and remain calm if they are not initially receptive to your concerns. 

Flexibility

Finally, be as flexible as you can. This situation is new, and rapidly changing. While you will naturally have a desired outcome it is important to keep in mind that this may not be achieved. Instead, react to the reality of the situation you are facing. Deal with things as they are, not as you want them to be or how you may fear that they will end up. Keeping awareness is important in dealing with a conversation that you find challenging. This means: 

  • Gathering of and clear perception of relevant facts and information. Don’t have this conversation without getting the facts first – read your contract, find out what financial support you may be entitled to, and speak to relevant services like Employers For Childcare’s Family Benefits Advice Service – Employers For Childcare have a helpline number you can call to get specific information about childcare. They are available on: 0800 028 3008 
  • Determine what is relevant – there is a great deal of information available. Much of it is not relevant. If you read reports or news articles, ensure that they apply to Northern Ireland and that you understand how they affect what you want to do;
  • Understand the dynamics of the relationship – remember that keeping a good professional relationship is important for your child. At the end of this crisis, you will want your child to return to their childcare setting in all likelihood; 
  • Self awareness – when and how our own emotions distort our perception. If you find yourself getting upset or frustrated, take a moment to collect your thoughts.  

If you make use of a childminder, you may be best supported by the Northern Ireland Childminder’s Association, whose website has support information for parents available here. 

If you are finding the emotional aspect of the conversation difficult, or you feel you need help with any parenting related issue, you can call Parenting NI on: 0808 8010 722 

Guest Blog: The Teenage Brain in Lockdown

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We have a special guest series of blogs from Dr John Coleman on parenting teenagers during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

This blog focuses on the teenage brain during this critical time of development for young people and the impact lockdown may be having.

Brain basics

Major change: The teenage years are a time of major change in the brain; 

New developments: Most areas of the brain are maturing and developing during these years; 

It takes time: This process is likely to start around puberty, but takes many years to complete; 

Ages and stages: We have learnt that, while the major changes take place in early to mid-adolescence, the brain continues to change and develop until the mid-twenties; 

Restructuring: During these years there is some restructuring of the brain; 

Pruning: As part of this there is some loss of brain cells, to enable the brain to become more efficient; 

Uncertainty: As a result, for a period there may be a degree of uncertainty and confusion; 

New skills: However, at the same time many new thinking skills are developing, allowing the young person to become more creative and thoughtful; 

The social brain: At this time there is rapid development of the social brain, leading to new skills in relationships but also to a preoccupation with the self and how the teenager appears to others; 

Hormone variation: Due to brain development there is much greater variation in hormone levels in the teenager than there is in the adult.  This can lead to unexpected swings of emotion and to possible difficulty in controlling feelings. 

How lockdown may affect the teenage brain

Exercise

Living in a constricted space may mean that the individual will be getting less exercise than normal.  Young people may be sleeping more, as the usual pressures of school are absent.  They may also be sitting in front of a screen for long periods.  However, the brain needs oxygen.  The more we move around, the more oxygen gets to our brains.  Lack of exercise means that less oxygen is getting to the brain. 

Routines

In the present circumstances it is all too easy for routines to disappear.   This is understandable, but a day free from routines is not helpful for teenagers.  Young people do need routines in the day.  Routines contribute to the growth and development of parts of the brain to do with structure and planning.   

Social isolation

Young people will be isolated from their friends.   This can be difficult to deal with.  Contact with others of the same age provides support and is an arena for sharing experiences.  It is also valuable for brain function, as it supports the development of the social brain.  The internet and social media may help to mitigate the feeling of isolation. 

More intense family relationships  

Being together in the home will intensify relationships between parents and young people.  Conflicts may easily flare up over a range of issues.  Some may be over domestic problems, such as use of the kitchen, loud music or time spent in the bathroom.  Other conflicts may be more to do with health or lifestyle, such as bedtimes.   

Lack of privacy

Being together in lockdown relates also to the issue of privacy.  Young people need some privacy at this stage in their lives.  This may be hard to provide in the present circumstances, but some thought should be given to the importance of privacy for teenagers. 

Emotions  

In normal times young people may find it hard to manage their emotions.  Hormone variation plays a part here. During lockdown, living in a small space and cooped up with parents and siblings, emotions will be even harder to keep under control.   Teenagers may feel resentment or loss, and some may have higher levels of anxiety. The parts of the brain that regulate emotion may have a lot more work to do at this time.   

A sense of relief

It should be noted that some teenagers may be feeling a sense of relief at this time.  Being out of school may, for some, provide an escape from the stress created by school, such as tests, pressure from teachers and other possible tensions.   

Motivation

Under the conditions of lockdown it may be hard for young people to remain motivated in relation to school work or to planning for the future.   

Top Tips  - A Healthy Brain in Lockdown 

Exercise

Plan regular exercise or fitness routines for everyone in the family.  If possible, teenagers should move around rather than stay still for long periods.  Exercise can happen indoors as well as outdoors.  No one should sit in front of a screen for too long.  The more exercise and movement the individual engages in the more oxygen will be getting to the brain. 

Routines

A structure to the day is helpful for young people.  If possible, help them create their own routines and structures.   This will assist in managing the sense of imprisonment and isolation.  Routines will also contribute to the development of parts of the brain related to thinking, planning and problem-solving.  Routines also have health benefits, in particular in relation to sleep and nutrition. 

Emotions

Don’t be afraid to talk about feelings.  Try and keep everyone’s emotions under review.   If there is an opportunity for feelings to be expressed and shared, this will reduce the likelihood of explosions and uncontrolled outbursts.  If the young person can be given the sense that their feelings are being recognized and taken seriously this will assist with emotion regulation. 

Conflict

Conflicts within the family may well be heightened when families are thrown together.   It will be important to create processes in the family which will help to reduce such conflicts through open communication and acceptance of everyone’s needs.   Listening to each other and allowing a space for issues of conflict to be aired will help enormously. 

Communication

Although parents are likely to believe that teenagers do not want to communicate with them, this is a myth.  Teenagers do want to talk, but at times and in ways that feel safe to them. In the present situation communication – especially about worries and anxieties - is absolutely essential.  Brain development means that language skills are increasing, and this can be encouraged by open communication. 

New opportunities

Parents may be able to provide opportunities for young people to take on more roles in the family, such as looking after younger children, contributing to the domestic chores, and helping in other ways. Such things will give teenagers a sense of responsibility and will help them deal with some of the more difficult emotions. 

Screen time

It is inevitable that the digital world has become more important during lockdown.  This fact is just as applicable to adults as it is to teenagers.  In view of this normal rules and restrictions on screen time should be relaxed at this time.  There is no evidence that sensible use of the internet is damaging to the brain. However, adults in the family do need to keep an eye on what the young person is doing on-line.  Open discussion about this is to be encouraged, and parents should be alert to any inappropriate use of the internet.  

Motivation

Research has highlighted the fact that the teenage brain is especially sensitive to rewards. This may seem difficult to put into practice at present.  However, the more young people can be motivated by reward rather than criticism the more responsive they will be.  

Parents do matter!  

Many parents have the view that they become less important as their sons and daughters move into the teenage years.  Everything we know tells us that this is untrue.  Teenagers do need their parents or other key adults.  They just need them in a different way from the way younger children need these important figures.   In the present lockdown parents and carers have an essential role to play in helping young people manage this stressful and unprecedented situation.  The support, the structure and the role-modelling that is provided by key adults are all important elements in the development of a healthy brain. 
Read more in the series

Read other guest blogs from Dr John Coleman in this special series during the current pandemic.
Listen to the podcast

Listen to the Parenting NI Podcast in conversation with Dr Coleman about teens & the pandemic.

Get more support

If you are in need of support with teenagers or any parenting issue please contact Parenting NI for free on 0808 8010 722.

Guest Blog: Teenagers and Mental Health during the Pandemic

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We have a special guest series of blogs from Dr John Coleman on parenting teenagers during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

This blog will explore some of the feelings that young people are currently experiencing and how to talk to your teenager about mental health.

It is hard to talk about mental health problems when everyone, no matter what their situation, is struggling with the challenges caused by the coronavirus. It is an exceptionally hard time for us all. Everyone will experience anxiety and stress as a result of these circumstances.

For young people there are particular issues that they are having to face. There is a huge amount of loss. This is partly because the normal structure of their lives has disappeared. But also because many of the opportunities and good things that they might have expected this Easter and this summer have simply been swept away.

It is not surprising that some young people feel cheated and angry. It is difficult to know what to do with such feelings. For a small number of teenagers these feelings will be expressed in behaviour that is worrying for those around them, especially their parents.

If you have a teenage son or daughter who is experiencing mental health problems, it may be difficult to get help in the normal way. Clinics are under huge pressure, and people in the helping professions are having to work extra hard to provide assistance to their clients.

I have heard of a number of young people who are really struggling at this time. I will just highlight a few of the situations that have come to my notice:

  • A 16 year-old girl who cannot stop crying. She cannot say why this is happening to her.
  • A 15 year-old boy who vandalized a neighbour’s car, something that he has never done before. All he can say is that he feels angry with the world.
  • A 17 year-old girl who has started cutting herself. She says she hates herself.
  • A 17 year-old boy who has gone to bed, and won’t get up and won’t talk to anyone.
  • A 14 year-old girl whose anorexia has got worse since the virus appeared. She says she needs to take control of her life as everything else is out of control.

It is very hard for parents

The suggestions I make here will not be easy. One of the key challenges for parents who are at home with their teenager will be to find a way of managing their own anxiety. The more anxious you are as a parent, the harder it will be for the young person to accept any help or support.

There is a reason for this. We know that young people worry about the effect of their distress on their parents. In most cases they want to be able to protect their parents, no matter how troubled they are themselves. They also go through a stage when they want to keep things to themselves. This is a normal part of teenage development.

Parents will be more able to provide help if they show that their anxiety is under control. It is so important to try and take a neutral position, as far as this is possible.

Here are some suggestions:

Acknowledging their distress

Find a way of letting your teenager know that you are aware of their distress, and that you want to help. However, it is important to avoid any words that can add to the teenager’s sense of guilt.

It is also important to avoid any wording that implies that you understand how they are feeling. Teenagers hate that, as they say it is patronizing. The usual response is: “You can’t understand me”.

So, what words to use?  

“My heart goes out to you”.

“I feel so sympathetic”.

“I can see this is very hard for you”.

“I want to help, if I can”.

Reassurance

This is about letting the young person know that you won’t be shocked, frightened or damaged by their thoughts and feelings. One of the fears that young people may struggle with is the idea that their problems will have a terrible effect on you, the parent.

Somehow you have to find a way of letting the teenager know that, however shameful or frightening their thoughts, you are strong enough to cope. However bad it is, you can bear it, and you will try and help.

Being there for them

Another important message is that you will be there for them. They need to know that you love them, and that no matter what happens, you will do your very utmost to help. Teenagers need to know that you will stick with them, and you won’t reject them because of their distress.

If is possible, think about actions that will let the young person know you are wanting to offer support. Could you make their favourite food? Could you give them more responsibility in the home? Could you get out old family photos to emphasize good experiences that you have had in the past?  Could you play games with them that they would enjoy? Being available is the most important message.

Things it is best not to say

If at all possible, try to avoid begging or pleading with the young person. Try not to lecture. Try not to criticize. Try not to judge the teenager’s behavior.

Why do I say this?

Because all these approaches represent your views, and your agenda. At this time the teenager cannot cope with your agenda. The only way to open up communication is to find a way into their own agenda. And to show that you will be really, really listening to them.

Of course, this is not to say they will talk. But you can be sure they won’t talk if you plead, judge or criticize.

The role of the school

Although schools are closed at this time, many parents will have a contact within the school system who may be able to give advice. This may be a Head of Year, a pastoral lead, or a Head of Well Being. Schools vary in their support structures, but most will have some way of providing a link to helping services. Some may also offer telephone guidance for parents on the best steps to take if one of their students is showing mental health problems.

The very worst thoughts

The possibility of suicide is the worst fear of any parent. There are many myths about what to do and what not to do if you worry about this. It is also of course incredibly hard for any parent to open up this topic.

However, there are ways of showing that you won’t be shocked, and of showing that there are ways to get help if this is something the young person is struggling with. You might say something like:.

“I know people who are in distress sometimes do think about death, about ending it all. If you do. have thoughts like that, there are people you can talk to. You may not be able to talk to me, but there are others who will listen and try to help you”.

This does two things. It acknowledges the distress. It also shows that you are not frightened by the distress the young person is experiencing.

What next?

You will notice I have mentioned talking a lot. Since it may be difficult to get professional help at this time, finding a way to encourage your teenager to talk is something you may want to try.

The first thing to note is that they may not be able, or not want, to talk to you. However, if they can do so, that will be a good thing. So, you can try, and keep trying. If the first or second attempt does not work, just make it clear that you are always going to be available to listen.

Here are some things you might want to say.

“However hard it is, talking about your thoughts and feelings will help you.”

“ I know it’s difficult, but it is worth having a go”. “Putting your thoughts and feelings into words really will help you.”

“You may feel ashamed, or worried about talking.”

“It may be hard for you to talk to me, but perhaps we can find someone else you can talk to.”

If they can’t talk, don’t want to talk, or say it is a waste of time

If this is the case, here are some other options.

Perhaps your teenager might be able to send you a text or email? Or message you in some way about their feelings?

If this is not appropriate, you might want to suggest simply writing down thoughts or feelings. This might be a good start. Sometimes it is helpful to get ideas out of your head and onto a piece of paper.

If none of that is possible another option is to try and find someone in your family network who might be a possible listener. If there is no one like that, then perhaps someone who is known to the young person in your social network.

What to say when you don’t know what to say

Because of the situation we are all in, it may be hard to know what to say when your teenager is clearly distressed. Keep in mind that you don’t have to say anything. In a difficult situation we often feel that we have to say something, we have to respond. In fact, just being there, being available to listen may be all that is needed.

Social media

There has been a lot of publicity about the negative effects of certain websites on the mental health of teenagers. Fears have been expressed that some sites encourage harmful behavior such as self-harm or anorexia. However, there is another side to this. Research has shown that, for some, the on-line world does provide support and reassurance. This is not true for everyone. But there are certainly those for whom social media enables them to get in touch with others who are helpful to them. The lesson for parents is that not all social media is harmful. If at all possible, try and keep an eye on what your teenager is doing online. Don’t be afraid to ask about this. The more you can keep the conversation going about what your teenager is doing online the better.

Talking and listening might not be enough

This will depend on the nature of the distress that is being experienced by the young person. For some circumstances talking will not be enough. You may want to know how to manage behavior that appears destructive or damaging to other people.

Firstly, it is essential for you to be able to set boundaries in relation to behavior that is harmful to your teenager or to others in the family. If you believe these boundaries are being crossed then you must act. This is the time to seek help from the emergency services. You can also call the helplines detailed at the end of the blog.

Secondly, there may be things you can do to keep people in the family safe. Identify any potentially harmful substances in the house, or any knives or weapons. Give some thought to the domestic arrangements around you. Ask yourself if there are things you can do to reduce the risk of harm to any members of your family.
More from Dr John Coleman

Read more on this blog, including available support and a quiz to get you talking.
Read more in the series

Read other guest blogs from Dr John Coleman in this special series during the current pandemic.
Listen to the podcast

Listen to the Parenting NI Podcast in conversation with Dr Coleman about teenagers and the pandemic.

Get more support

If you are in need of further support, contact Parenting NI for free on 0808 8010 722.

Guest Blog: Parents and teenagers at a time of Coronavirus

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We have a special guest series of blogs from Dr John Coleman on parenting teenagers during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

The first of the series will look at the general challenges families are facing at the moment and explore some of the emotions teenagers may be feeling.

Being stuck at home for weeks on end will be a huge test for all families. Even if parents and young people get on reasonably well, there will be many problems that arise because of being in the house or flat day after day.

Space

However small or cramped your home, try and find a space for a young person to feel that they can own. If they have their own bedroom, allow them more freedom than might be the case in normal circumstances.

Time – routines

One way to manage anxiety is to create daily routines. This is true for us all, but especially for teenagers. Do think through with your teenager how a daily routine can be created. This also applies to night-times of course.

A structure to the day

It is sometimes assumed that teenagers do not need structure. This is incorrect. In fact, a structure set by adults makes young people feel safe and cared for. Teenagers may argue against it, they may even say they hate it. But a major role for parents is to create boundaries and structure for teenagers. They need it.

Screen time

The simplest thing to say about this is – do not worry about screen time in these circumstances. We are all living through the on-line world. Teenagers need all the contact they can get with their friendship network. Also of course school work is now being delivered on-line. The digital world is a life-line.

Social media

The same goes for social media. What we say in normal times is true now. Do talk with your teenager about what they are doing on-line. Open communication is important. If you are worried about how much they are gaming, for example, do discuss this with them. Parents should keep an eye open, but also allow more freedom than would be the case in normal times.

Eating and sleeping

Things like eating and sleeping are often markers of how young people are coping. It is good for parents to be alert to how these things might have changed under these new circumstances. Don’t be afraid to discuss health issues with your teenager. Talking about such matters shows the young person that you care about them and their welfare.

Making sense of teenagers’ emotions

It is clear that teenagers are having a rough deal. Most young people will have lost all the usual structures. This experience is tough for them. Their expectations of what would be happening this spring and summer have been blown out of the water.

Feeling cheated

Although it may strange to some adults, it will be common for young people to feel that they have been cheated out of important experiences that they were owed. They may be missing the last term at school, or even the last part of their university education. They have also been separated from face-to-face experiences with their friendship groups. If you are young, these experiences loom very large in your world.

Feeling angry

Because of this, many will feel angry. Even if they recognize that it is no one’s fault, angry feelings can be over-whelming for teenagers. It can feel extremely unfair for this to have happened to them and their friends. It may be easier for adults to see the larger picture. Adults can recognize that this will be over at some time in the future. For teenagers, however, this will seem like the whole of their life that has been taken away from them.

Feeling anxious

There is also the question of worry and anxiety. Will my parents stay safe?  What about my grandparents? Am I safe from the virus?  Of course, adults will have these feelings too. Adults will worry about elderly parents, or have fears for their own health. However, the emotions of young people may be harder for them to cope with.

Teenagers and emotion

Why is it harder for teenagers to manage their emotions?

One reason is that at this age the structures in the brain that process and manage emotions are still changing and developing. These structures are not yet completely mature. Also, hormones play a part in helping us manage our feelings. The hormone balance for teenagers is more variable than it is for adults.

It is also important to recognize that young people will have experienced a real loss at this time. This is part of their life that they will never get back. It is very tough, especially at a time when they are changing and maturing. Adults will struggle with many challenges at this time. It is just important to recognize that the challenges for teenagers may not be quite the same as those for adults.
More from Dr John Coleman

Read more on this blog, including tips for parents and teenagers and a quiz to get you talking.
Listen to the podcast

Listen to the Parenting NI Podcast in conversation with Dr Coleman about teenagers and the pandemic.

Grandparenting during the Pandemic

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Being a grandparent is normally a joyful experience, even if it provides challenges as well. Under normal circumstances, grandparents see themselves as a key pillar of support for families.

In our research, Parenting NI found that around 40% of grandparents specifically name support as their role in modern society.

This support comes in many forms, emotional, financial and practical. Despite this, many grandparents already felt isolated or lonely. While the pandemic is an extra difficult time for all families, it can also provide an opportunity to make a special effort with grandparents to ensure that they feel more connected. 

During this crisis many grandparents have found their lives turned upside down. Those who had particularly close relations with grandchildren may be unable to see them at all. Grandparents who provided childcare are no longer able to do so. This can be an extremely stressful addition to an already difficult time for them. It can also be highly stressful for children. Many children get important social and emotional support from grandparents. Being cut off from this, as well as worrying about the health of their grandparents adds to the worries they are already experiencing. 

In this short article, Parenting NI will provide advice and support for parents to ensure that grandparents and their grandchildren remain connected. Despite the physical distancing, there are many things families can do to support continued relationships.

What is grandparent’s role? 

The first step to supporting grandparents in this pandemic is establishing what they view their role as during normal circumstances. Are they providers of care? Do they support emotionally? Do they give practical help by cooking, household chores or DIY? Once parents understand what grandparents usually do, they can come up with inventive solutions.

Childcare

If they normally provide childcare, it might be a good idea for a regular telephone call/video call to be established. This is no substitute for real quality time, but it can still help children and grandparents. They get to see and/or hear each other and this can offer reassurance that they are okay. 

Baking and cooking

If they normally do other physical activities, there may be innovative ways to facilitate this. For example, dropping off or picking up baked goods along with a delivery of food is a nice way to stay connected. Children may feel more relaxed or excited about having cookies or traybakes made by their grandparents. Their grandparents may feel better about having to miss out on playdates. If your child is enjoying anything they made for them – remember to snap a photo to send to let them know! 

Video call activities

Alternatively, set up a video-call where grandparents can talk a child through planting seeds, starting knitting or other activities This can help children learn and allows grandparents to feel like they are giving help and support. An added bonus of this may be keeping children busy while parents are working, and in that way grandparents can continue to feel as though they are providing help for families. 

Writing letters

Writing letters is a good way for children and grandparents to keep in touch. This has a number of additional benefits. For example, it helps children work on their writing skills and spelling. It also provides a physical memory of this time, to be looked back on during happier times. Parents should encourage children to write about their day and feelings. Including drawings and artwork for younger children is another way to improve connectedness. 

During this difficult time, the best thing to do is talk. Talk to the grandparents, and see what they might like to try or do. Similarly, talk to children about what they would like to do to help their grandparents. Parents should be creative and supportive of ideas, and be patient with grandparents attempting to overcome technological hurdles. When the pandemic ends, parents will be glad that they made efforts to ensure that children and grandparents remained connected. It will help support their mental health, and may even result in a closer and more loving relationship. 

If parents are struggling with maintaining relationships, communication or any other related issue they can reach out to Parenting NI for help. Our support line remains active on 0808 8010 722. 

 

Supporting Children with Death & Loss

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Sadly, during this difficult time it is more likely than before that children and young people will have to experience loss of a friend or loved one.

Dealing with this will be more difficult than normal, because of the uniquely cruel circumstances around the pandemic. How then, can parents best prepare their child for this?

Much of the advice in this article applies even under normal circumstances. However, it will also include some specific support for dealing with loss during the pandemic.

Talking to your child about death

Death is an unfortunate part of life. For some children, this is a particularly difficult thing for them to deal with emotionally. Children will understand death in different ways, depending on a number of factors. The most important of these is their age and stage of development. Speaking about death to a teenager is naturally very different than speaking about it with a toddler. 

The American Academy of Paediatrics breaks children’s understanding of death down into four main concepts: 

  • Irreversibility (that death is permanent); 
  • Finality (that everything the body does stops with a death); 
  • Inevitability (that death is universal for all living things); 
  • Causality (what causes death). 

 A child’s ability to understand and cope with each of these four concepts will help determine how they react overall to a death. It is therefore important for a parent supporting a child during a loss to understand generally how well they understand these concepts. A parent can help a child deal with death by explaining it in an age-appropriate manner. 

It is normal to want to shield your child from the harsh truth of a loss. It can be enormously challenging for an adult to speak about the loss of a loved one frankly especially when they are grieving themselves. However, being too vague or making use of too many euphemisms can confuse a young child. A parent should try to be sympathetic and emotionally supportive in their language. However, you should avoid giving the wrong impression about any of the four concepts of death. 

How do children grieve?

It is also important for a parent to be aware of how their child grieves. Everyone is different, and everyone processes grief in their own way. Therefore, not every child will behave in the same way. Nonetheless, there are a few things that children will likely do if grieving: 

  • Babies and toddlers: looking for the person who has died, being irritable and crying more, being anxious and wanting more attention.

 

  • Young children: Many of the same behaviours as above, as well as dreams about the person who has died, regressing in developmental progress, fearfulness.

 

  • Primary-aged children: Many of the above behaviours as well as, blaming themselves, being easily distracted, feeling embarrassed or fearful, stomach or physical issues.

 

  • Older children: Being particularly anxious about friends and family’s safety, trying to please adults more than normal, feeling very strong emotions, being very focussed on what has happened.

 

  • Teenagers: Being easily distracted, being generally unsettled and neglecting school or work, wanting to be alone or alternatively, being clingy, risk-taking behaviour to escape, pretending not to care or joking about the death. 

How can parents help?

The first thing is for younger children, try to continue normal routines as best as possible. While older children understand that a death temporarily upends life and that it will return to normal, a younger child might be fearful that everything has changed forever. Secondly, allow them to feel their emotions. Do not tell them how they must feel, and give them space to feel fear, anger or grief. Parents should step in if a child is at risk of self-harm or if they seem to be getting beyond control. Attempting to stop them from expressing their emotions can cause further issues. 

Particularly with older children, talk honestly with them about the death. If a person is likely to pass away, but has not yet done so, it may be worth speaking to the child in advance. Do not hide your own emotions from them and remember that it is okay for you to grieve as well. Explain that death is a tragic but natural part of life. For younger children, give examples like plants or animals. 

Coping with death during the pandemic 

A positive activity that can be done – depending on access during the pandemic – is to create a memory box. The NHS has a guide here to explain how to create one. Having a physical reminder of the lost loved one is a good way to deal with grief. 

During the pandemic, it is likely that there will be unique challenges. A loved one may die while you and your child are unable to see them. You may be unable to attend a funeral. There may be a higher level of bereavement than normal. Parents should not scare children, and if they ask about these circumstances reassure them that you will deal with it as best you can if it occurs. Remind them that being physically present is not more important than keeping the loved one or friend in their thoughts, and that it does not mean they loved them less. Reassure them that you can visit once this pandemic has passed, and make plans for a memorial when it is more feasible. 

Parents should remember that they are not alone if they are struggling. It is important that you seek support yourself with grief if it is needed. This can be from loved ones, friends or if applicable to you, religious or spiritual leadership. If you or your child is struggling particularly hard with a loss, there are professional and charitable organisations who can provide support. You and your child should not feel ashamed or reluctant to reach out. Parenting NI continues to provide our support line service during the crisis and can be reached on 0808 8010 722. 

Co-Parenting in the time of COVID-19

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The government has outlined strict instructions for all residents in Northern Ireland. It has made clear that everyone should stay at home as best they are able. For many families, this will be logistically simple. However, what is the advice for parents who are co-parenting? Are you allowed to bring a child to their other parent’s home? Even if it is legal, is it advisable? 

This short fact sheet will look at the government’s own advice, as well as academic studies on the importance of seeing both parents. 

Firstly, the government has specifically answered the question regarding seeing children in co-parenting arrangements during the crisis.

In short, yes, your child should keep any normal contact arrangements they had before in terms of visiting houses. However, children should not:

  • Visit with other family members except where those individuals live with their parent
  • Have visitation outside of the home.

Some parents are concerned that they may be doing more harm than good during the pandemic by moving children from house to house. This is understandable, and should a more stringent Wuhan or Italy style lockdown come into place this advice will need to be reviewed. However, it is important for parents to remember that being unable to see a parent has negative outcomes for social and emotional development.

This is a more long-term impact, but even short term absences can cause trauma. A study looking at children of refugees who were separated from their parents cause children to have feelings of anguish, despair, guilt, blame and depression – negative emotions that disrupt how they learn life skills. While you as an adult may understand the logic of changing routines, children may struggle to cope.  

A break in the parent-child relationship can cause difficulties in later life. We do not yet know how long the changes to social distancing and isolation will remain. As such, we should strive to maintain parent-child relationships as much as possible during this time of stress. A poor parent-child relationship has a direct connection to the likelihood of later life depression and anxiety.

Remember that this is an extraordinary time, and your child is already likely to experience heighten levels of stress. A disruption to their normal routine – not being able to see their other parent – may be more impactful now than under normal circumstances. Being able to see and spend time with their mother or father can reassure them that they are not in danger. Parents should make extra effort where possible to communicate directly in the current circumstances. Some advice for separated parents during this pandemic are:

  • Stay healthy. Limit your own social contact and wash your hands regularly. Your own contact with your child is at risk if you are unwell.
  • Be present. Your child will have many questions, and some will be uncomfortable. Listen to their concerns and answer honestly as best you can in an age-appropriate way.
  • Meet your obligations. Do not assume that the crisis means normal contact rules do not apply. There is no reason to create extra toxic conflict at the worst possible time.
  • Adapt. There will have to be reasonable adjustments and compromises. Try to meet these and remember – this is temporary. 

If you are struggling, remember that you can contact Parenting NI on 0808 8010 722.

Talking to your child about COVID-19

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The current situation regarding the worldwide pandemic of COVID-19 and Coronavirus is a deeply concerning time for everyone. No one is sure what is going to come next, or how families or indeed communities will cope. We do know that the majority of people who are infected with the disease are going to make a full recovery. Nonetheless, world leaders have made it clear that the virus will mean significant changes to our lives, at least in the short term. These will almost certainly include “social distancing” measures such as:

  • The closure of schools, childcare and universities
  • Cancellation of large events
  • Restrictions on travel or other activities

Inevitably, children and young people will hear rumours about these actions. Children, who are often less capable of critical thinking than adults may be more likely to believe hearsay or false information. This applies to information about the virus itself and the measures that will be taken to combat it.

What can parents do to address their children’s concerns?

Even after the current pandemic, it is important that parents can talk to their children and young people about major crises like this in the future. This article will give advice to parents about how to reassure children, even when you do not have all the answers yourself.

The World Health Organisation has put out the following advice for parents:

  • Respond to your child’s concerns in a supportive way. This is a time when they will need more love, reassurance and attention
  • Maximise time for children to play and relax
  • Keep your children close to you physically if you can (but do not break quarantine or self-isolation)
  • If you cannot be physically present with children, use technology like video calls and phones to stay in regular contact
  • Keep a regular routine, even if your “normal” is disrupted
  • Be honest with your children regarding information. Focus on age-appropriate information about what they can do to reduce risk

Communication

At Parenting NI, we regularly advise parents that the best way to help your children, your families and yourself is communication. Fear often stems from a lack of understanding and knowledge, and talking is the best way to address this. All communication with children and young people should be age appropriate, but our advice for parents during this pandemic and future public health emergencies is to:

  • Talk to your child. Find out what, specifically, they are concerned with. Are they worried about themselves? About you? Perhaps they understand certain people (like grandparents) are more at risk
  • Once you understand what they are worried about, you can better reassure them. There is no need to lie or pretend that there is no risk whatsoever. Instead, calmly explain the facts – that most people will be okay – and that the people in charge are doing their best
  • Focus on what they can control. Speak to them about hand washing, coughing into elbows and avoiding unneeded physical contact (but don’t refuse cuddles unless one of you in unwell)

Young children may not fully understand why certain actions are important. Some resources might be useful depending on the age and stage of your child. These address the pandemic in a fun or at least less frightening way. These include:

A very catchy song (in Vietnamese) which has spread widely about washing your hands

The British Red Cross has put out a handwashing video on TikTok

@britishredcross🖐🤚 + 💧+ 🎂🎵 @who ##coronavirus ##foryou ##foryoupage ##fyp♬ Happy Birthday (Samba Version) – Karaoke – Best Instrumentals

Our Parenting Champion, Alliance Belfast City Councillor Sian Mulholland has tweeted a fun experiment with her son to show how soap and washing our hands protects us from germs

While the exact measures taken in every country will be different, some advice is applicable no matter where you are. The Irish Department of Health has provided a useful and easy to read guide on talking to children about the pandemic, which is available here. One of the key points in this advice is ensuring that children can differentiate between baseless scaremongering rumour and genuine advice. It may be helpful to review our article on fighting ‘fake news’ if this is something you are worried about!

Time at home

Inevitably, children will have to spend more time at home as a result of this pandemic. Schools may be closed, and normal activities such as sport and youth groups will be cancelled. This might result in concerns among parents. Some schools will provide online/take home work, and depending on your area they may have digital classrooms. Remember to liaise with your school, talk to the teachers and the principal to find out what their current plans are, but be aware that these may change at a rapid pace.

If parents are concerned about children spending a significant amount of time at home, try to establish a routine. Reading books, perhaps rented from local libraries if they are still open, or downloaded if possible can be a useful substitute for normal educational behaviour in the event of an emergency. Playing board games, getting outdoors as often as you can and spending family time together is also important.

Looking after yourself

Equally however, parents must remember that these are very unusual circumstances. Normal rules do not necessarily need to apply. Do not be too harsh on yourself if children spend more time on screens than usual. In fact many useful resources may be found online which may be helpful for them during this time. Do not over worry about educational outcomes at the moment, and understand that every child will be in the same boat. Parents and families will already be under immense stress, and it’s important to look after your own emotional health and well-being.

Remember to take care of yourself as a parent, as well as of your children. There is no reason to panic unduly, and remember that how you react is likely to have a direct impact on how your children will react. If you remain calm, but take reasonable precautions, your children are less likely to feel anxious or concerned.